I am constantly carrying a thought with me. Joins me in the morning and remains there… still. Wakes me up in the middle of the night and, throughout the day, helps my short attention span.

Ever since I was a little child, I’ve come in late in every single aspect of my life. Yes, I learned how to write at 7, attended my first party at 15; gave my first kiss at 18 and had my first boyfriend at 22. I knew I was missing out, all the time. I knew there was more to life, but I kept messing everything up.

I’m almost 27 and that thought is still there: I am running out of time. Each day takes me closer to the end and, as I write these words, I feel my heart on my throat. This paralizes me, scares me, stresses me, puts me down. I do not have further time to make bad decisions; however, it is all I keep doing over and over again. For years, I’ve decided to listen to the wrong people, to be at the wrong places; I’ve decided to push some people away . I’ve said the wrong things at the right times and, of course, just said the wrong things at the wrong times as well.

Now I know I am late again. I am late professionally and spiritually speaking, and surely I am behind in the relational area. I’ve wasted lots of opportunities handed to me on a silver platter due to my lack of maturity, emotional intelligence and responsibility. Overall, I am not where I think I should be. This perspective tells me, I am doomed. I have very little chances to become the CEO I always thought I would be because, you know, I am old and starting all over again. Also, it is very unlikely that I will get married before the infamous 30s, or have children any time soon, because, yes, I keep ghosting every guy I meet. What a waste of life, right?

Then I realize that there might another point of view, and that is when I feel a light breeze of hope coming in: Yes, I am late. But no, God is not. He has never been late. He was on time to keep Abraham from slaying Isaac. He was on time to keep Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from burning in front of the King’s eyes. He was on time to keep Daniel from been devoured by a lion. Even when everybody thought he was late, his timings were perfect when he rose Lazarus from the dead.

God wants to prove our love, patience, trust and faith in Him and He will take advantage of our screw ups/failures/bad decisions to come across, just because He is a good Father. He will provide guidance to those who come to Him and will make sure that we understand that if everything went according to our plan, perhaps we would not need a Savior. This sounds kind of ideal or convenient to a sinful, egocentric, heart as mine, but the truth is that we need Him. I need Him.

My heart feels heavy because, because this is a powerful truth that I underestimate all the time. I forget every single day what He promised and disregard His love for me. Everyday I doubt whether His teachings apply to me or if His words are relevant to my life. I keep wondering if He’ll ever show up or to talk to me or show me «the way».

His ways are poweful, wise and loving. His thoughts are bigger than mine and this needs to be my anchor in the midst of my struggle. His goodness is infinite and He remains the same through the ages. He is the God of Moses, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac; the God of Jacob. He is the God of David and the God of Salomon. He is the God of Paul and the God of Peter and He is my God.

God, please let me remember all day, every day… that although, I am still late, you are still on time because my timings are not your timings. My plans are not your plans and I can rest assured that I am not in control. You are.